To Dad, or not to Dad.

Our little family has been debating names lately.  What to CALL the new stepdad?  Stepdad is ridiculous, Mr so and so is WAY too formal, yet my older children have not been comfortable calling him dad.  Up until now he has been called by his first name, but is beginning to struggle with that.  Firstly, he finds it a bit disrespectful, coming from a time when children NEVER addressed adults solely by their christian name (understandable), secondly, as none of his children live with us he feels a bit out on a limb by himself.

What to do?  The two youngest aged 3 and 4 are being encouraged to call him dad and we are trialling encouraging the older two (9 & 11) to do the same.  They seem ok, just needing time to get used to the idea.  I'm still getting used to everything myself so...we will give it a go.  I would love to know what other stepfamilies  have ended up doing.

Stepfamily theme

I am changing the direction of this blog slightly.  The focus has been on my own walk up till now, and there will obviously still be elements of that in here.  I want to mainly focus on our family journey from two fractured families, to (hopefully), one large healed family.

So...brief background.  DH is 42 and has been a Christian since he was old enough to know what one was.  I am 34 and have been saved since I was 15 years old.  We were both married for over a decade, he has five children and I have four. Yes, nine children altogether :) my four live with us and don't really have contact with their father, his five all now live with their mother five hours drive away.

We married three months ago and it has been TOUGH!!!  It's not really the kids that have been the problem, but me.  I am battling memories, expectations, emotions, tiredness.....praise God I am married to a patient man LOL! 

I would love to hear from any others out there who are walking this slightly different but rewarding road.  Godbless!

Update....

Well, the dating thing went well.  So well in fact, that I married my lovely husband three months ago.  He has five children who do not live with us, and this lovely man has taken my four children under his wing.  Remarriage is a whole other ballgame to a first marriage.  We have both come into it much more wary than we would have expected, and are constantly having to readjust our preconceived ideas.  We have read some great books however.  Boundaries in Marriage by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and Happily remarried by David and Lisa Frisbee.  God willing we will come through this adjustment time with a strong marriage that will be able to inspire others.  Our wedding was small and intimate but still very special.  It was hard that a lot of our friends and family didn't feel the level of joy that we feel, it is understandable though with so much grief and hurt just below the surface.

I'd like to share something I wrote three years ago...

STAINED GLASS

While visiting my parents church in my old hometown today, I joined in the worship and watched the young, new Christians who were leading the singing.  They were all so vibrant and shining and it took me back to when I was fifteen;  A brand new Christian in that very same building.  I thought to myself, there is SO much I could tell you guys!
A picture later came into my mind.  When we are saved, we are like a beautiful, new pane of coloured glass.  Some of us are red, some green and some blue.  Each of us is lovely and fully functional as we are.  But that is not Gods ultimate plan for us.  It is a starting point.
The Lord is going to pick up that pane of glass and He is going to smash it.  He smashed me when a teenaged friend died.  He smashed me again as friendships fell apart.  He smashed me again when my daughter had heart surgery.  Marriages fall apart.  Smash.  Loved ones die.  Smash.  Children start abusing drugs or alcohol.  Smash.
The Christians that these things happen to have done nothing wrong.  God is not punishing them but using these times to create the person He always intended each of them to be.
I know as I have lain facedown, broken on the ground Jesus has reached into the sharp, jagged pieces and picked up that moment.  Next to it he places another moment of a different colour that He has carried me through.
As I get further along in my life,  I occasionally look back to see where I have come from.  Instead of seeing that single sheet of coloured glass, I am shown a multi-coloured, intricate stained glass window that Jesus is lovingly creating.
I urge you young Christians, don't just look at the other pretty coloured sheets of glass around you.  Turn around and look at the older Christians through Gods eyes.  You may just realise that you have been standing in a magnificent cathedral filled with beautiful windows carefully pieced by the Masters hand.

Passion

I remember doing a bible study many years ago about passion.  The idea was to search inside yourself, find out what lights your fire and then pursue it!  The problem at the time was that I felt no passion at all!  Life was easy.  I had had a comfortable childhood,  married a comfortable man, had a comfortable job - I had never been stretched.  Roll the clock forward 11 years through job losses, my daughters heart surgery, family members dying, the breakdown of my marriage and you will see a woman who is not defeated by the circumstances of life but one with a fire in her belly!  You see, when you have run through the fires of life with Christ at your side you can't help but be ignited.  Suddenly you feel every heart wrench, cry every tear and want to kiss away every hurt.  All I can say now is bring it on!!!  Life is amazing.  I want to experience everything God has planned.

Church on the flip side

Something remarkable happened when I became a single mum in a church environment.  In the eyes of many Christians I went from being a wonderful example of a Christian woman, doing the right thing staying home raising her kids with an upstanding husband and lifestyle to admire and emulate....to a dole bludging woman with seemingly no aspirations or career to speak of and did you say FOUR children!
These were my two lowest points:  1.  The time an elderly lady from a church I had just started attending found out I was a single mum and DATING! I saw the respect and interest leave her face only to be replaced by contempt.  The most painful thing for me was that I could have justified myself to her in only a few sentences.  I just walked away.
2. The second thing was not intentionally hurtful but cut me to the quick.  A lady when hearing that I no longer had a husband then asked me if my children were all his :( 

My point in saying all this is not to have a moan or cast all Christians in a bad light(after all, I am one!)  It is more of a caution to my fellow Christians not to judge.  The truth is, you know NOTHING about the person standing in front of you, no matter what your eyes and ears may be telling you.  Their story may be so much harder and more complex than anything you could dream up so my advise is LOVE first, ask questions later.  Remember Jesus and Mary Magdalene,  Nicodemus, the beggars on the street, the woman who touched the garment of Jesus.  These were all societies rejects yet HE LOVED THEM!  Remember, whatever you do for the least of these....

Ok...So the launch of this blog wasn't a raging success.

I am back.  Two years older with much water under the bridge and hopefully so much wiser.
A very quick update(severely edited for the sake of privacy).  Just after my last post, My beloved husband confessed something awful to me.  After much soul searching and time on my face in prayer and weeping,  I packed up my children and shipped us all back to New Zealand.  In hindsight, the time of terrible hardship we had been through as a family(in my last post) was to be the catalyst that led to my husbands confession;  A confession I am very grateful to have heard as it gave me the information needed to make the best decision for my children.  Sooo, now I am a single mum of four.  I love my Lord who has carried me through the hardest times and always will.  I am also a Christian of 18 years who will divorce her husband in only a few months.  What a lot of soul searching and research has gone into THAT decision!